


(DISCONTINUED)

by chaoticspring



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Blowjobs, Byeongkwan Centric, Drug Addiction, Drug use in sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Gangs, Heavy Drinking, Jumps back and forth in time, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Past Relationship(s), Past junkwan, Smut, Supernatural Elements, Time Skips, heavy drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23297254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticspring/pseuds/chaoticspring
Summary: "Yuchan knows how Byeongkwan flickers with the lights or how the lights flicker with him."or an AU where Yuchan wonders how fate could be so cruel for him to slowly befriend for the man on the train who's not ever quite
Relationships: Kim Byeongkwan/Kim Sehyoon | Wow, Lee Donghun/Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 23
Kudos: 19





	1. The Witching Hour

**Author's Note:**

> rewritten for A.C.E from an older fic account. Warning, a lot of this content will be fairly graphic. It's based on my own experience working on drug research and working directly with addicts to help treat their addiction. 
> 
> sorry for any grammar issues etc English isn't my first language and never learned basics so ;;
> 
> Enjoy ^.^ kudos and comments are appreciated. Thank you uwu
> 
> being rewritten [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23297254?view_full_work=true)

**Early October, 2019**

03:02. 

The train was late. 

Unease spread along Yuchan’s body as he kept glancing at the clock next to the tracks. He picked at the skin around his nails wondering why he felt so anxious, impatient for the train to arrive as if looking forward to something unknown. His gaze was dragged from the clock as he heard the familiar rumble of the train arriving, the whole train jolting forward as it pulled into the stop and graffiti-covered doors opened with a reluctant groan.

The lights flickered as Yuchan stepped onto the train, Byeongkwan coming into view as the lights remained on, barely illuminating the carriage. He was flicking through the same book he always carries, his eyebrows furrowed as he turned the pages, focusing on the words as he read.

“You never tell me what you're reading.”

Byeongkwan jumped in his seat, his hand over his chest as he chuckled, Yuchan sliding into the seat next to him, his bag falling on top of his lap.

“It’s a secret.” Byeongkwan shifted in his seat as he slipped the book to the side, letting it rest against the wall and his thigh, hidden from Yuchan’s prying eyes.

Yuchan quirks an eyebrow, “Secret, huh. Must be a pretty good book then,” He said, readjusting his bag that had begun sliding off his lap.

“It's ok, it's boring waiting for you.” Byeongkwan shrugs, fidgeting slightly as he glanced over to Yuchan with a soft smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling and corners of his mouth turning upwards.

Yuchan looked deep in thought as he glanced out the window before turning his head to look around, his movements exaggerated as he raised both eyebrows as if surprised.

“Maybe you should lash out and do something rebellious and exciting,” Yuchan said, his expression almost comical as he nudged Byeongkwan with his elbow

Byeongkwan could barely contain the soft giggle as he leaned forward, “Oh yeah like what,” He said with his voice lowered, eyes darting around in the same manner as Yuchan’s had before, their shoulders pressed together as Byeongkwan kept leaning into Yuchan’s touch, almost falling onto his lap.

“You always sit here, every day since I met you,” Yuchan mused, “have you ever considered changing seats? There's a particularly nice chair about three spots down.” Byeongkwan’s gaze followed Yuchan’s as he nodded towards the chairs, one with a particularly large stain on the back, the arm half broken off as it threatened to completely fall off with each jolt and movement of the train.

“Well, I think you know that's a bit too crazy for me.” Byeongkwan could barely contain his laughter as he spluttered out the words between a fit of giggles, his head resting on Yuchan’s shoulder as he eventually calmed down, his breathing evening out into silence before the feeling of melancholy washed over the two, casting shadows over the light atmosphere.

“Yeah. I do.”

Byeongkwan scrunched his nose in annoyance as he sighed, his gaze turning to the blackened windows, staring into nothing, smiling to himself. A soft squeak left Byeongkwan’s lips as he found himself toppling over Yuchan as the train turned sharply, soft flush spreading on his pale skin as he gathered himself, sitting upright with his hands in his lap.

Yuchan knew that smile that played on Byeongkwan's lips. Gentle, secretive. It was one of the many things Yuchan had learned about Byeongkwan. All his expressions and smiles that hid something more underneath, the constant mask that he wore, the cracks getting more tightly sealed shut as Yuchan continued to dig.

He learns plenty about Byeongkwan but never his past.

He knows his favourite colour is sky blue and that he had just turned 23, that he hates when Yuchan teases him with whatever food he has left over in his bag for lunch but never ate anything. He knows that when it's been a particularly long day, Byeongkwan would lay down his head on his lap and let him gently pat the soft strands, thoughtless motions almost as soothing as the soft smile on Byeongkwan’s face.

Inquisitive eyes always followed his every movement, learning. Remembering. Yuchan knows how Byeongkwan flickers with the lights or how the lights flicker with him. He notices how just before the lights dim into nothing he is met with dry dull hair, a much skinner form and bloodshot sunken in eyes surrounded by dark bags almost as if they were bruised. A brief picture gone in an instant.

“Hey Channie, it's your stop.” Byeongkwan gently nudged Yuchan awake, brushing away the hair from his face as he stirred, eyes blurry and mind groggy.

“Oh shit yeah. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Yuchan says with a groan as he stood up on wobbly legs, his arms stretched out in front of him, stumbling as the train jolted.

“But this time remember to bring me snacks! Promise you'll remember, yeah?”

“Ok-ok, I promise.”

“Pinky promise?”

Byeongkwan held out his pinky as Yuchan left his seat to leave, his brows furrowed slightly, expression stern as he waved his arm in the air waiting for Yuchan’s response.

“Pinky promise,” Yuchan said as he locked their pinkies together, grinning widely before turning to leave, hurrying off before the doors closed.

Waving as Yuchan left, Byeongkwan called out to him, desperation licking at the edge of his voice. “Now you have to remember because you pinky promised. No forgetting this time!” The doors closed as he got the last words out, Yuchan’s figure slowly disappearing as he hurried back home.

**October 31st, 2018**

The first time Yuchan saw him was on the midnight train on Halloween, he hadn’t paid much attention to the date, he never did. It was just another especially tiring late-night shift after another. As soon as he boarded, he couldn’t help but be drawn to his presence, a lone figure who seemed to take up the entirety of the space; all soft features and bleached hair, his plump lips pursed as he read a book Yuchan couldn’t quite identify. 

The man was undeniably eye-catching, he wasn’t sure what drew his gaze so intently but Yuchan couldn’t help but question why no one else even acknowledged his presence. Slowly he made his way to his spot, sitting one row behind and across from the man, his gaze unwavering. He felt hypnotised, unable to tear his gaze away as the man stared down at his nameless book, head lowered in defeat as an unnamed sadness carefully painted itself across his features.

Yuchan could feel his heart ache as he stared, unwavering, fixated, drinking in as much as he could before he got off at his last stop.

The trip home felt slow, the train lurching as it made its way down the dark tunnel, rattling slightly as it sped down the tracks. As the time slowly passed and his stop approached, Yuchan still couldn’t tear his eyes away from the man. It was his own fault he got spotted as the man slowly turned his neck, locking their eyes together, his gentle gaze sending a flush of red across Yuchan’s face and neck. His ears turning bright red as his whipped his head away, redirecting his gaze back to his hands as they began to fidget in his lap, almost tearing his gaze away too quickly to see the man’s eyes widen in shock, surprise etching into his features as he continued to look at Yuchan, slack-jawed. 

Almost.

The lights overhead began to fade, stuttering on and off as the man turned his gaze away. His brows furrowed as he brought his focus back on his book, lip catching between his teeth as he glanced back at Yuchan surreptitiously, his eyes curious and full of wonder.

The rest of the trip went by in a blur, his mind wandering back to the man, thoughts bubbling with curiosity. He couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling off, yet, his heart sunk as soon as his stop was announced, knowing this would be the last time he saw the man. 

The lights flicked as he stole one last glance before he left, the man’s body almost seeming to disappear as the lights momentarily cast the train into darkness, the light from the surrounding passengers’ phones being the only thing to illuminate the train, only revealing shadows where the man had once been only to return as soon as the dimmed light relit, gone and back in an instant. Yuchan stood up on wobbly legs as the train jolted to a stop, stumbling slightly as he made his way to the doors, hopping out of the train as soon as they opened, too nervous to glance at the man one last time as he exited.

The train doors groaned as they closed behind him, as he turned around to watch the train leave, his eyes couldn’t help but wander back to the spot where the man was sitting, searching through the windows only to find the seat empty, no evidence the man had been there before, vanishing into the night. With a soft sigh of resignation, Yuchan adjusted his bag and headed towards the exit, his footsteps loud as they echoed through the empty station, the image of the man slowly fading from his memories, only leaving behind a lingering feeling of curiosity and a blurry image of bleached blond hair.

The world was encompassed by darkness as he stepped out onto the moonlit streets, barely lighting his path as the streetlight remained dim, only emitting enough light to illuminate the moths gathering around the dying bulb. 

The walk back home didn’t take long. As dilapidated and gang-ridden as the area was, Yuchan always felt comfort in the silent streets, it washed over him like a wave. Soothing, blanketing him from the realities that he has to face during the day. The sins the streets held invisible to the eye as they hid in the cover of darkness, the sounds of shouts and fights masked by the cries of cats fighting behind dumpsters and the hooting of owls, perched above the houses.

Yuchan could see the living room light from their small apartment window shining brightly from the street, he swung his bag around to the front of his chest, unzipping it before fumbling for his keys, rummaging through the contents blindly. He stumbled up the steps, trying not to make any noise, his footsteps dragging across the concrete, exhaustion starting to take his toll as soon as the prospect of rest approached. The key jingled in his hands as he finally pulled them out of his bag, the worn leather trap swinging back and forth as he struggled to find the right key to unlock the apartment.

“You’re late.”

Yuchan’s heart leaped in his chest, his body tensing as he tried holding back the yelp that escaped his mouth as soon as the door swung open, Donghun’s impatient glare greeting him, his hand still on the doorknob as if threatening to slam it closed again.

Adjusting his bag Yuchan shuffled past Donghun, his hands raised up slightly in surrender.

“I got held up, stores always busy on Halloween. You didn't have to wait up for me.”

Yuchan let his bag drop off his shoulder and onto the floor, making a beeline towards the couch, falling backward into the worn leather, closing his eyes as he sunk backward, legs splayed out in front of him.

“Needed to make sure you made it back in one piece also you know I went to a party, I told you before you left today,” Donghun said, letting out a soft groan as he locked the door behind Yuchan, letting the whine drag out as he dragged his feet along the floor, falling next to Yuchan with a huff. “So. How was work?”

“Usual,” Yuchan cracked open an eye, glancing over at Donghun before shrugging, smiling to himself, “Saw a cute guy on the train today.”

“Oh yeah? Spill.”

Yuchan couldn't remember anything besides blond hair, and pink lips, the image fading the more he thought about it, “Not much to tell. He was really cute, but doubt I’ll see him again anyways. Tell you tomorrow, m’gonna sleep now.”

Without another word, Yuchan stood and made his way to the bedroom, his eyes fluttering shut as soon as his body hit the bed, exhaustion pulling him into a dreamless sleep.

Yuchan woke to the sound of Donghun’s fist knocking loudly against his door, his head banging up against the wall from the shock.

“Wake up, it’s like almost one,” Donghun called out from behind the door, knocking it a few more times until Yuchan let out a loud groan, “You’ve gotta go to work soon hurry up!”

“I’m awake I’m awake! now please stop hitting the door!” Grumbling to himself Yuchan pulled himself off of the bed, eyes still half shut as he made his way to the shared bathroom ignoring Donghun’s attempt at conversation before shutting himself in. The water helped clear his head, rinsing away the odd feeling that had settled in his chest since he woke up, the nagging feeling he had forgotten something, relentless and unyielding.

Donghun was waiting for him in the kitchen, a plate filled with food waiting for him on the countertop. “So, you think mystery boy will be on the train today again?” Donghun said as he handed the cutlery over to Yuchan, his eyebrow quirked.

“Who?” Yuchan’s brows furrowed as he began to shovel food in his mouth, perplexed by Donghun’s words, his mind trying to reach back to any memory that might help, confused as Donghun frowned back.

“The cute guy from last night.”

“Oh right yeah, uhm. No probably not,” Something began to eat at the corner of Yuchan’s mind, prodding, as if trying to remind him of something but it was drowned by the confusion and questions that came tumbling in, still unsure what Donghun’s words meant.

It continued to eat at him for the rest of the day, gnawing at his mind, persistent and incessant, following him for the rest of the day only growing until he finally left work and made it to the station did it disappear, flushed away with the light breeze as the train came screeching to a halt. 

As he stepped on he found himself searching for something, searching to see if a familiar face would grace him. Warm brown eyes locked with his as he turned to find the man from last night, he was dressed in the same black sweatpants and had a hoodie pulled over his white shirt wearing the same shocked expression as last night. Stumbling Yuchan made his way to his seat, sitting across from the man, red-faced as he looked down, his fingers curling around his bag.

“Hi,” The voice was soft, gentle, it enveloped Yuchan like a warm hug, curling around his chin to lift it up and face the man. He smiled over at Yuchan, plump lips stretched into a smile as he lifted a hand to wave, “I’m Byeongkwan.”

Yuchan's heart began to race, his chest aching as he looked up at Byeongkwan in shock from the unexpected words, his breath catching at the wide smile that was directed at him.

“Yuchan. Uh nice to meet you,” He tried steadying his breath, fumbling over his words as he shifted in his seat, turning towards Byeongkwan and offering a small smile in return, his heart steadying.

“It’s a bit late to be catching the train, isn't it?” Mimicking Yuchan’s movements he turned in his seat to face Yuchan, head cocked to the side slightly as he waited for an answer.

Yuchan shrugged, “Had work, I finished late. What about you?”

“Nowhere else to go,” Byeongkwan’s gaze dropped to the floor, his face falling and eyes distant, his mind wandering and a soft smile reaching his lips.

The ride back home flew by, almost missing his stop as it was called on the overhead speaker, too enamoured by Byeongkwan as they spoke only noticing the flashing sign of his stop name.

“It was nice speaking to you. It’s been a while since I really spoke to anyone.”

“It was nice speaking to you too, I’ll catch you later yeah?”

Disbelief welling in Yuchan’s chest as he turned to leave, his fingers twitching with excitement to tell Donghun what happened. The warm feeling remained as Yuchan got off the bus, his heart full and head light, the night felt bright, the moon shining overhead lighting his path home, the grin never leaving his face.

The door clicked behind Yuchan as he stepped inside, Donghun waving from the couch, snack food littering the table. As Yuchan turned to open his mouth the excitement that has previously followed his home slowly faded, unsure what caused the feeling, his mind blank and confused as he muttered a goodnight and headed straight to bed. His head felt fuzzy, ignoring his previous feelings before falling asleep, blond hair and bright smile floating through his dreams.


	2. Twisted Skies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cartoon was still playing on the TV as Yuchan turned to look back, the joyful jingle growing fainter as he let his mind wander. Donghun’s dismissal not sitting right, curiosity blossoming as the question relentlessly repeated over and over in his mind.
> 
> Who is Byeongkwan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW as the chapters go on drug use and descriptions will get more graphic
> 
> Enjoy!

**October 31st, 2019**

A shiver ran up Yuchan’s spine as the cold air cut through the thin material of his jumper. His fingers curling around the strap of his bag, traveling along his whole body with each gust of wind. His head still felt light, regretting the last drink he had before he left the club, the sharp air starting to sober him up as he waited for the train, blankly staring down the rail line.

The sound of footsteps approaching drew his focus from the tracks, his thoughts snapping back to reality as he glanced over his shoulder. He lowered his music, listening to the footsteps draw near, the sound of feet hitting the concrete uneven as the person stumbled over. With bated breath, Yuchan turned his head, his gaze landed on the hooded figure that approached, his feet dragging along the ground and hands gripping a bouquet of flowers that he held to his chest, some of the stems broken and petals wilting.

Drug addicts and gang members usually emerged around this time, skulking around dark alleyways, dealing the product or getting high from the public eye. Yuchan couldn’t count the number of times a death from a bad deal or another gang war that broke out over territories in this area. The news broadcasted the aftermath each time, showing the numbers steadily rising each month. Days passed where blood stained the streets for days before it was cleaned, the smell of bleach lingering for longer.

Panic spiked in his chest as the man approached, faded brown coming into view, black roots growing out, falling over his face in greasy strands. Without a word he stood by Yuchan, his eyes fixated on the tracks, ignoring the fleeting side glances Yuchan threw his way. The man's skin looked dry and washed out, sickly white under the poorly lit lights, the corners of his mouth reddened with peeling skin. His cheeks were hollow and eyes sunken in, casting shadows along his face, accentuated his blackened under eyes, the skin almost reminiscent of a harsh bruise.

The man's hands shook as he laid down the flowers by the track, Yuchan wasn’t sure if it was from the mix of drugs that floated around in his system or nerves.

Yuchan cleared his throat, “Did you lose someone?”

“Yeah, a friend. He died here two years ago,” The man said as he stood up on unsteady legs, “I miss him,” His voice cracked, rough, dry and forced as if he hadn’t spoken in days, years of smoking taking its toll.

“I’m sorry to hear.”

Yuchan could feel his heart grow heavy as he calmed down, the effects of the alcohol had mostly worn off, his head clearing as emotions tugged at his chest, feeling the weight of the man’s words fall onto him. Something nagged at the back of his mind, a distant memory whispering into his ear before it was dragged down into the depths of his foggy thoughts, drowned out by the man’s words as he continued to speak, the thought forgotten as it passed by.

“I miss him,” The man interrupted Yuchan’s thoughts as he spoke, dragging him back to reality, “It’s my fault. I blame myself every day. If it wasn’t for me he’d be alive.”

Yuchan’s focus finding itself on the man’s fidgeting fingers, picking at the dried skin along his cuticle, stained a dirty yellow from tobacco along with his damaged nail. Words caught in his throat, watching as the man’s head dipped down in a meager attempt to hide the tears that begun to well in the corner of his eyes.

“I asked him to go out. He wanted to stay home with his boyfriend. It was supposed to be their anniversary soon.”

The words coiling around Yuchan’s throat, squeezing tighter as the man's voice tapered off, too choked up to continue, his movements frantic as he wiped away the tears that begun streaming down his face with the back of his hand. Yuchan averted his gaze to the ground, his heart aching as he glanced at the flowers laying on the dirty, stained cement, old blackened gum decorated the ground around it.

“Sorry. I’m Kwangsuk by the way.”

“Yuchan. Nice to meet you." 

They stood side by side, both morose and silent as they waited for the train, the conversation lingering in the air around them, fading as they introduced themselves, words remaining unspoken as the familiar groaning and screeching echoed along the tracks.

Yuchan glanced over his shoulder as he stepped onto the train in trepidation, Kwangsuk disappearing as he walked away, his mind conjuring up images of a body laying on the tracks, blood spattered crudely along the graffiti covered train and the tracks stained red, a mangled body discarded to the side, an unrecognisable mass of flesh. A shiver crept down Yuchan’s spine, unease spreading across his body as the train doors closed behind him, memories creeping back to the surface.

“Yuchan!” A familiar whine made him glace up, Byeongkwan waving him over, almost frantic in his movements as he grinned excitedly, “I’m bored.”

Byeongkwan jutted out his bottom lip, his cheeks puffing out as he pouted, his book forgotten as he let it fall into his lap.

“Why don’t you read a better book then?” Yuchan said as he sat in his usual spot next to Byeongkwan, his bag slipping off his shoulder and onto the floor at his feet, “Or use your phone for once.”

“I lost it.”

“I’m not surprised. Where abouts?” Yuchan prodded Byeongkwan’s sides, his finger digging into Byeongkwan’s ribs playfully.

Byeongkwan squirmed in his seat, fighting away Yuchan’s prying fingers with a giggle before settling down, glancing around his seat before looking down at his hands.

“Dropped it on the tracks...”

Silence fell upon them as Byeongkwan’s words faded off, eating away at the time as the sound of the train howling along the track.

Yuchan had known Byeongkwan for over a year. Tonight marking the exact day, yet he felt like a stranger, unknowing of so much, why he was there, what he hid, what he was. The questions constantly haunted him each time he stepped onto the train, a warm smile always greeting him, painted on a face he barely knew.

He had begun piecing parts together, grasping at whatever information trickled out of Byeongkwan’s lips, fitting them together like a puzzle, getting more lost with each new thing he learned, the answers more mystifying than the unknown.

As their cart began to jolt with each turn of a sharp corner, Byeongkwan rested his head against Yuchan’s shoulder, his hair tickling Yuchan’s neck as he shifted in his seat, his nose pressed against the faded material of Yuchan’s jumper.

“Hey, why do you smell like tobacco and weed?” Byeongkwan asked, his nose scrunching and brows furrowing as he tugged on Yuchan’s sleeve.

Yuchan shrugged, “from a party, it’s nothing.”

Byeongkwan sat back up, turning to face Yuchan, worry starting to take over his features, his usually calm, warm expressing melting away, “don’t be an idiot, you shouldn’t smoke that shit,” his voice stern, almost uncharacteristic as he scolded Yuchan.

“It was only a few puffs, that’s all,” Yuchan said, shrugging as he tried avoiding Byeongkwan’s stern gaze, guilt welling up in his chest, punching him in the gut with each harsh word that left Byeongkwan’s mouth.

“Hmm yeah, but then that shit’ll start to fuck you up. Don’t ruin your life because of drugs. You’ll end up dead in a gutter before you can reach thirty.”

Byeongkwan’s voice almost began to crack, his words tumbling out in a flurry of emotions he had failed to restrain, his gaze flickering back and forth between Yuchan’s guilty expression and his fidgeting hands, unable to look at Yuchan in the eye. There was a familiarity and certainty in the tone of Byeongkwan’s voice, the topic all too personal, Yuchan could sense it, he could hear it in Byeongkwan’s voice.

Curiosity teemed at the corner of Yuchan’s mind, prodding and nagging at him to pry, unable to help himself as he turned to ask, “why, did it happen to someone you know?”

“Yeah, and I made some pretty bad mistakes too.”

Yuchan looked down into his lap, beginning to pick at the frayed edges of the derelict chairs, feeling the waves of regret coming from Byeongkwan as his voice tapered off. An apology sat at the tip of his tongue, contrite as he swallowed it back down, pressing his shoulder against Byeongkwan’s in silent reassurance, finding comfort as they pressed up against each other.

The lights fulgurated, the old bulbs buzzed to life before flicking off again, the warmth of Byeongkwan’s touch fading with the lights, goosebumps traveling up his arm as the carriage was cast into darkness. His chest ached, loneliness seeping into his bones, piercing his flesh like ice as he felt the loss of something he couldn’t name.

Warmth spread across his chest as the lights returned, Byeongkwan’s hand gently patting his thigh, wordless in his reassurance as the train began to screech to a halt, pulling into Yuchan’s stop, the lights outside flicking in their usual manner as the train arrived.

Byeongkwan’s breath tickled the side of his cheek as he muttered his goodbye into Yuchan’s ear, his voice was soft, barely a whisper. A shiver travelled down Yuchan’s spine, his cheeks flushed red as he hurried his farewell, glancing over his shoulder at Byeongkwan as he stepped off, trying to quell the lump in his throat began to form as he watched the smile fade from Byeongkwan’s face, leaving a sour taste in the back of his throat for the rest of the walk home. 

Yuchan’s mind growing foggier with each step as he left the station, Byeongkwan’s empty smile fading as he walked outside, blown away with the wind. Each step felt as heavy as his heart, unflinching as he heard the usual hushed shouts and scuffles from the same drug addicts that loitered the streets at night, his head in the clouds as he tried to make sense of the melancholy that had begun to weigh him down.

Donghun had fallen asleep by the time he arrived home, the living room cast into darkness, empty and cold without Donghun’s usual warm presence there to greet him. Yuchan stumbled along the floor, squinting as he kicked aside a discarded shoe as he fumbled his way into the apartment, cursing as the keys jangled loudly as he locked the door behind him. The curtains shifted with the light breeze, the window still ajar, moonlight trickling through, illuminating his path as he dragged himself to his bedroom, discarding his jacket, his chest aching, the feeling of smoke still heavy in his lungs, unable to push away the guilty feeling that weighed him down. His eyes closed as his head hit the pillow, Kwangsuk’s face floating in his mind, his words following Yuchan into his dreams, blurred images of trains dancing in his mind as he was lulled to sleep. Kwangsuk’s face soon faded, only to be replaced by bleached blond hair and a warm smile, his face shrouded from view, the image torn away darkness engulfed him, pulling him into a dreamless sleep.

A shiver crept down Yuchan’s spine as he woke to the familiar buzz of his phone, squinting as he glanced at the bright screen reading Sehyoon’s name, rejecting the call with a groan as he let his head fall back to the pillow. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes he rolled onto his back, his vision still unfocused as he stared at the ceiling through half opened lids, struggling to stay awake as they fluttered open and closed, focusing on the faint sound of dishes clanging in the sink.

Yuchan wasn’t sure how long he lay in bed, his mind wandering as he eyes closed again, drifting in and out of consciousness until his stomach began to grumble in protest, forcing him to stumble out of the bed, still wearing the clothes from the previous night, the faint, stale smell of the club still lingering. He discarded them in the hamper as he made his way to the shower, unable to look back at the pile of clothes, the familiar taste of regret rising to the tip of his tongue like bile as the smell followed him into the bathroom, clinging to his skin.

_Don’t ruin your life because of drugs._

He wasn’t sure where the voice in his head came from, the voice unfamiliar as it scolded him, stern as it floated around his ears, soft almost soothing, only to be washed away as soon as the lukewarm water hit his head, soaps and floral scents washing away the grime from the previous night.

Donghun banged his fist against the bathroom door as soon as he turned off the water, the slightly rusted handle rattling with the force, beckoning him out for breakfast, the smell of food alluring enough as it was, he didn’t need any more motivation.

“I’m coming!”

Water still dripped from Yuchan’s hair, shirt forgotten as he made his way to the kitchen, stomach gurgling loudly as the smell of food grew stronger, only half listening to Donghun as he piled food on his plate.

“You should really check your messages, Sehyoon called about the party tonight,” Donghun said, calling out from the couch as he lay back on the plush cushions, glancing up from his phone as he spoke.

“Oh fuck, I forgot about that,” Yuchan cursed, leaning against the kitchen counter as he ate, not bothering to move.

Donghun leaned back on the seat, his head tilting as he looked over at Yuchan, disapproving, “You know it’s important to Sehyoon…” His voice trailed off, gaze unwavering, as he glared at Yuchan.

“Yeah I know, I know. It’s fine there’s not much to prepare anyway.”

“At least call Sehyoon back, and start cleaning!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going,” Yuchan grumbled, hurrying as he ate the rest of his food, leaving his bowl in the sink with the rest of the dishes, leaving them untouched as he went back to his room, calling Sehyoon before closing the door behind him.

It didn’t take long to prepare, the apartment wasn’t as messy as it usually was, shoes put away and clothes tossed in drawers, hidden from sight, the mess clearing up as quickly as it took to prepare the food.

Yuchan watched the time slowly pass on the clock hand, his mind wandering as he jumped onto the couch next to Donghun, glancing out of the window at the setting sun, leaning back as Donghun let his head fall against Yuchan’s shoulders, both silent as they waited for the rest to arrive, Yuchan’s eyes fluttering shut, listening to the background noise of the TV as Donghun began to flick between channels.

Yuchan wasn’t sure if he fell asleep, his eyes watering as he opened them, rubbing them as he adjusted to the bright light, his phone vibrating on the chair’s arm, Sehyoon’s name appearing on the screen. Donghun was still leaning against him, curled up on the couch, legs tucked against his chest and eyes still glued to the TV, distracted by whatever reality show was playing.

“Is it Sehyoon?” Donghun muttered, only half paying attention as he nudged Yuchan’s arm.

Yuchan grunted in response as he picked up his phone, digging his finger in Donghun’s side teasingly as he stood back up, answering the short-lived call.

“They’re on their way now. Sehyoon said they’re ‘round the corner, I’ll unlock the door, everything’s ready to go anyway.”

“Cool, I’m just gonna go piss. Buzz them up when they come,” Donghun said, stretching his arms above his head as he sat up, saluting Yuchan as he hurried into the bathroom, the door clicking shut.

Yuchan watched Donghun disappear behind the closed door, running his hands through his hair as he turned to look at the buzzer, unable to shake off the weight pressing against his chest. Bloodshot eyes and bruised arms flooding his thoughts as he remembered Kwangsuk’s words the night before, the mention of his friend’s death haunting Yuchan, unable to let go of the image of the flowers by the track. Unable to grasp at the wispy remnants of his memories of the train ride home, guilt bubbling to the surface as faded images of soft smiles, and gentle touches drifting further away as he grasped at them.

The sound of the buzzer echoed throughout the room, the button lighting up above the blurry image on the intercom's screen, Junhee and Sehyoon waiting at the door of the building, waving into the camera. Donghun poked his head out of the bathroom as he let the two up, the sound of the toilet flushing still echoing in the small room.

“They’re here?”

“Yeah they’re walking up the stairs now,” Yuchan said, poking his head out the front door, listening to the sound of footsteps echoing up the staircase.

Snacks littered the countertop as Donghun set up the table, Yuchan welcoming them both at the door, pulling them into a hug, greetings muttered, both somber as they nodded towards Donghun, walking over to greet him. Junhee put a box of goon on the kitchen’s tabletop, smiling at Donghun’s enthusiasm as he let go of Sehyoon’s embrace, silent in their condolences.

Awkward conversations filling the silence that begun to bleed into the room, alcohol loosening their tongues as they sat on the couches, the room feeling emptier than before. Sehyoon remained quiet, his knees pulled to his chest, cradling his barely touched bottle of beer, fixated on the television.

Goosebumps raised on Yuchan’s arms, unable to concentrate on the conversation, his gaze wandering to Sehyoon, heart tugging against his chest, unable to move or say anything as he watched his friend slowly fall apart in their company. His tongue heavy in his mouth, swollen, whatever words he tried forming getting stuck in his throat as he tried speaking to Sehyoon, too out of place to utter any comfort.

Yuchan found himself freezing as the familiar voice of the news anchor caught his attention, bile rising to his throat as he sat transfixed to the screen. The tightening in his chest grew worse, coiling around his heart and lungs like a snake, slowly squeezing, suffocating him. His emotions slowly began to spill like ink on parchment, bleeding out as he let out a strangled cry of shock as a familiar face was displayed in the corner of the screen.

“A body, which has been recently identified as Oh Kwangsuk, was found early this morning. Police have found the cause of death to be due to the growing gang violence and drug dealings in the area. The investigation is ongoing, however, it is suspected the death is connected to Kim Byeongkwan’s death two years ago.”

Yuchan recognised Kwangsuk’s face immediately, the rest of the report's words fading into the background. Dejavu nagged at the corner of his mind as he stared at the smiling face of the second man, his death unknown to Yuchan.

Not noticing Sehyoon rise, he found himself snapping back to reality as soon as the channel changed, a children's cartoon taking its place as soon as the image of the second man was shown. Yuchan watched as Junhee rose, his hand draping over Sehyoon’s shoulder, leaning forward as he whispered in his ear, tugging Sehyoon’s limp body towards the kitchen.

Sehyoon’s fists balled, his hands shaking as they hung stiffly by his sides, unshed tears making his eyes glisten against the artificial lights.

He could faintly overhear the both of them talking, Sehyoon’s voice slowly getting louder as tears glistened against his skin.

_I should have checked up on Kwangsuk._

_It’s not your fault, you left but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to get better like you._

_Byeongkwan…_

Yuchan’s heart leaped as he heard the name, something stirring in his stomach, nagging at the corner of his mind, the thoughts clouded and hidden, obscured from view.

Turning to Donghun he couldn’t help the questions that came pouring from his mouth, unsated curiosity clawing at his throat.

“Who’s Byeongkwan?”

Hushing him, Donghun sat up, inching towards Yuchan, his voice hushed as he muttered, “it’s not in your place to ask right now. Let it be.”

Yuchan wasn’t used to the severity in Donghun’s tone, taken aback as Donghun stood to leave, making his way to the other two, his arm warping securely around Junhee’s waist, murmuring reassurance in his ear. 

The cartoon was still playing on the TV as Yuchan turned to look back, the joyful jingle growing fainter as he let his mind wander. Donghun’s dismissal not sitting right, curiosity blossoming as the question relentlessly repeated over and over in his mind.

Who is Byeongkwan?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again Byeongkwan's past etc is based on some real-life patients I've dealt with so it's a cruel reality. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are welcomed ;; thank you for reading ^^


	3. This growing despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart pounded in his chest, his lips spreading into a wide grin as he picked up Sehyoon’s cup, noticing handwriting carefully scrawled on the napkin that was wedged underneath the dish.
> 
> Call me.
> 
> Followed by a number.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this is an unbetad mess bare with the errors ;; enjoy
> 
> Also warning drug use and smut for about first half of this chapter

**Early July, 2016**

The club was more crowded than Byeongkwan would have liked. He couldn’t help but wobble as he tried finding purchase on the alcohol stained bench, his fingers sticking to the wood, and blood pounding to the beat of the bass. Glancing into the crowd he spotted Kwangsuk clinging onto a nameless man, as uneasy on his feet as Byeongkwan felt. His arms draped over sturdy shoulders, and nimble fingers slipping into pockets and wallets unnoticed.

Hoarse, slurred voices surrounded him, shouting into his ear, numbing his thoughts.

His nose itched. So did the crook of his left arm.

Throwing a glance towards Kwangsuk, wordless as he nodded, taking his leave, balance uneasy as he dragged his feet along the floor, trying not to slip on the split alcohol that blackened the vinyl flooring, making a beeline directly towards the bathroom. His pocket felt heavy, dragging him down as he shuffled along the floor, unable to contain the anxiety that spread along his limbs, the itch slowly taking over, unyielding and relentless.

The bathroom was empty, vomit painting the toilets and piss discoloured the floors. The walls slowly began to close on Byeongkwan, the solitude comforting as he reached into his pocket, fingers curling around the worn-out bag, shaking as he fumbled to open the flimsy plastic, the 8-ball clumping together, desperation hindering his movements. Frustration leaking out as he finally opened the small bag, cursing under his breath as a small bit of white powder coated his thumb.

The itch refused to leave, growing stronger with each passing second, curling around the back of his mind, incessant as it whispered on his ear, urging him to do it, to cave.

Byeongkwan wasn’t strong.

Wasn’t strong enough to ignore the hushed voice that pushed him on.

The product wasn’t his, Byeongkwan knew the consequences that would befall him if anyone found out. But they never did. Baking powder hiding the evidence and darken alleyways concealing the impurities. The guilt that settled at the bottom of his stomach dissipated as quickly as it came, heat spreading along Byeongkwan’s body as he brought his thumb to his mouth, gently rubbing the cocaine along his gums, his nail dragging along the tender flesh until he tasted blood.

His finger tingled as he dipped it back into the bag, gums growing numb as he brought the powder covered finger back to his mouth, tongue dry, heavy as he swallowed what was left. His heart felt lighter, each rapid beat of his heart reverberating along his body, lambent tongues of flame caressing his skin, melting the jagged shards of ice that he had built up around his mind, letting it seep away as a wave of calm and euphoria washed over him. Anxieties melting away. Forgotten. Numbed. 

He slid to the floor, crouching against the wall, cheeks flushed and forehead pressed against the cold tiles.

He would let himself regret this later.

The night air outside enveloped him like a wave, coiling around his body, hairs standing on end as a shiver ran along his body. He hadn’t registered leaving the club, his eyes hooded as he glanced around, head still spinning, barely making out the two figures in the alleyway beside the club. Their hushed whispers bounced off the walls, not taking notice of his presence.

Byeongkwan watched them through the corner of his eye, their faces barely illuminated by the embers on the end of one of their blunts. His cocaine in his pocket grew heavier as he watched them. He knew what a customer looked like.

Steadying himself, Byeongkwan tucked his hands in his pocket, head dipped as he crossed the street, unable to help the nervous tick that had begun to set it, his fingers twitching by his sides, and his heart still racing.

“Can I help you?” One turned, the hood from his jacket covering his face, his body tensing as he saw Byeongkwan approach.

“You buyin’ or selling?” Byeongkwan’s voice was slurred, fingers curled around the bag as he glanced at them both.

“What’s it to you?”

He stumbled slightly as he pulled out the small bag, dangling it like candy in front of the other two, both as mesmerised by the cocaine as he let it swing back and forth between his fingers. It didn’t take long for the bag to be replaced by a roll of cash and a poorly lit joint, his eyes widening in greed as he flicked through the notes, muttering to himself as he counted the total. As Byeongkwan pocketed the money, the two men muttered an insincere thanks, turning to flee back down the street, glancing over their shoulders one last time as they disappeared from sight.

He felt his stomach turn, bile rising as his high peaked. Beads of sweat dripping along his brow, the taste of bitter acid filling his mouth as he bent over, vomit splashing over the wall and pavement.

The sound of Byeongkwan’s phone vibrating in his pocket cut through the silence, Kwangsuk’s name illuminated on the cracked screen.

_Where r u_

Byeongkwan squinted, wiping his mouth as he read the fuzzy text, his fingers lingering over the keypad as he replied.

_Outside_

It didn’t take long for Kwangsuk to find him.

Bright clothes standing out against the stained brick wall as he leaned against it for support, the unlit joint hanging from his lips as he searched his pockets for a lighter. His frantic movement concealing the heavy tremble in his hands, barely managing to spin the spark wheel.

“What else did you take? You know you shouldn’t mix shit,” Kwangsuk said, snatching the joint and lighter from Byeongkwan’s hands, putting it between his lips as he carefully lit it, the burning tip illuminating Kwangsuk’s face and smoke passing through his lips in faint tendrils as he spoke, “Where did you get the money anyway, I thought you blew it all inside?”

“M’ fine, it's just weed anyway, and just sold some left-over coke I had.” Byeongkwan shrugged, reaching out to snatch the joint back, wobbling as he took a step forward to steady himself.

“You need to stop dealing that shit. If they knew you were sampling product...”

Byeongkwan turned his head, gaze lowered as he took a slow drag, “You know I needed the money, and it’s not like they noticed I took some.”

“She wouldn’t want the money if she knew the shit you were up to. You can’t help your mum if you’re dead in a gutter Byeongkwan,” Kwangsuk couldn’t hide the worry that laced each word, biting back the anger that had begun to rise in his chest, simmering.

“Just fuck off alright.”

“Running back to him won’t help!” Kwangsuk called out after him, his voice drowned out by the rage roaring in Byeongkwan’s ears.

Byeongkwan kept walking, quickly finishing the joint as he headed to the main street. Pulling his phone out of his pocket as he kept his head downturned, refusing to satisfy the need to turn back, regret for snapping at Kwangsuk already eating away at his thoughts. It wasn’t his intention to leave as he did; however, it never was, fingers lingering over Junhee’s name, the phone ringing before he could stop himself.

Catching the midnight train had become habitual, more-so meeting Junhee had, too afraid to return back to his shared apartment with Donghun after he spent his nights in darkened alleyways, taking whatever money he spent the week scrounging up to buy whatever he could afford.

Each weekend he found his wallet empty and blood pounding in his ears, head growing fuzzier with each step. Veins bruised and eyes bloodshot as he slumped in his usual spot, fifth row from the front, always finding his way to the same seat, as ritualistic as the rest of his routine.

He felt restless, his leg jittering as the train screeched to a halt, the familiar, dilapidated buildings coming into view. Byeongkwan’s anxieties peaked as he arrived at the old motel, anticipation creeping along his spine and heart pounding in beat to his rushed steps.

Junhee was already waiting for him, the small table in the center of the room wiped down, poorly cut lines decorating the table. It was probably the only clean thing in the room, the chipped glass refracting the faint, yellow light coming from the overhead bulb.

“Did you start without me?” Byeongkwan’s lips pressed together into a pout, his voice curving into an inflection, unable to hide the whine that crept into each word, “You know I have to get the train to come all the way here.”

“You reek of alcohol plus I can see you’re already high as a fucking kite, you sure you’re alright to?” Junhee shifted to the side as Byeongkwan took his place next to him, hands creeping around each other’s waist as their lips met.

“Yeah I’m fine, just did some before and already coming down,” Byeongkwan said, his voice muffled as he pulled away from Junhee’s hold, grabbing the discarded bag that had been resting against the rusted table legs, rifling through the pockets, “Plus when has that ever stopped us?”

They sat in silence, transfixed as Byeongkwan pulled out two needles, unsteady hands preparing the syringe. His skin felt numb as the needle pierced his skin, watching Junhee follow suit through the corner of his eye, his muscles tensing and heart accelerating, the pain subsiding as quickly as it came. Euphoria washed over him like a wave, his head light, and heart even more so as he glanced towards Junhee. Mold covered curtains danced in the light breeze, rays of moonlight streamed from behind him, accentuating the sharp edges of Junhee’s face, wonderment and lust bubbling in Byeongkwan’s chest as he watched him through dazed eyes.

Byeongkwan’s cheeks began to flush, pink spreading down his neck and ears tinted bright red. His limbs felt heavy as he discarded the needle, letting it roll out from between his fingers and fall to the stained floor. The gentle calm lapping at the edges of his mind drew his attention away, the unnerving itch subsiding with each beat of his heart.

It didn’t last long, it never did. The itch returned as his heart began to sink, weighing him down as drowsiness began to dig its claws into the edges of his mind, sluggish as he reached towards Junhee, seeking comfort.

Junhee had already shifted, leaning towards the table, drawing Byeongkwan’s attention back to the fine lines that were messily lined up, powder coating the foggy glass. Their movements were growing sloppy, fine powder sticking to the reddened skin of their noses, skin dragging on skin as Byeongkwan grabbed Junhee by the base of his neck, pulling them together.

The heat and ferocity of his touch melted the cold embrace that began to envelop both of them, warding off the lingering winter winds that encircled the room.

The bitter taste sat at the back of Byeongkwan’s throat, his nose burning as the world grew more alive around him, racing with each fevered touch of bare skin.

The bed groaned as Byeongkwan fell back on it, the mattress dipping under his weight, coarse sheets rubbing against sensitive skin. Need and arousal crept along the base of Byeongkwan’s spine, irrepressible as dry lips gently coaxed his open, each touch as electrifying as the next.

“How long did you book?”

“The usual, until tomorrow morning” Each word felt weighed down, slurred as his mouth began to grow dry and tongue heavy.

“Then let me fuck you,” Byeongkwan’s lips curled into a smile, unable to contain the excitement that continued to grow, blooming as his anxieties began to melt away.

He felt… nice.

Heat spread along Byeongkwan’s limbs, his cock aching as fire ignited with each gentle touch, both hesitant, clumsy as clothes were readily discarded to the side.

Byeongkwan didn’t hesitate as he rose to search through his bag, grabbing the condoms and lube. He could feel his movements grow more frantic, hurried as the urgency began to echo, reverberating in his drug-addled mind. His veins thrummed in tune to the rapid beat of his heart pounding in his chest as he turned back to Junhee, mesmerised as the curtains shifted, moonlight filtering through, landing over the soft, pale skin laid out in front of him.

Caliginous and boundless under the celestial gleam of the moonlit night.

Junhee whined loudly as he reached down to grab his cock, impatient as he began to play with the tip, his cheeks flushed just as red. 

“Hands to yourself.”

Precum began to bead at the tip as Junhee pulled his hand back, choking back a moan, any protest getting caught in his throat as Byeonkwan loomed over him. Rough hands began to gently press up against Junhee’s thighs, gently coaxing them apart, each touch as fleeting as the next, teasing as Byeongkwan drew out soft gasps and moans from Junhee, relishing in each soft sound.

“M-more,” Junhee, desperation began to grow with each movement, the sheets balling under his hands as he blindly gasped at the coarse material.

“Kwannie...” Junhee whined in protest as he felt Byeongkwan step away, trying to sit upright as he heard the familiar sound of a bottle lid popping open, eyes wide with anticipation, looking up with innocent inquisitiveness.

“Turn over so I can prep you,” a shiver of anticipation ran along Junhee’s body as he turned over, his cheek pressed against the worn pillow, ignoring the stains, “Good boy”

The corners of his lips curled in a small satisfied smile as he felt the pad of Byeongkwan’s lube covered finger press up against his hole, probing the tight ring of muscle before slowly pressing his finger inside. Junhee let out a soft whimper, his back dipping further as he tried pressing against Byeonkwan’s finger, silently asking for more.

Wiggling his finger, Byeongkwan began to thrust it in and out, wiggling it as he felt Byeongkwan’s hole slowly stretch, the tightness that sucked his finger in, beginning to give way.

“So impatient,” Byeongkwan scolded, his face hardening as he pushed in a second finger, agitation growing with each second passing, each motion getting more aggressive as he added another, “stay still Junnie, I want to try something.”

Junhee keened, barely cognizant as Byeongkwan dragged the pads of his fingers along his walls, pressing and prodding as he slowly removed them. The sound of plastic crinkling drew Junhee’s attention, craning his neck as he tried turning back to watch, barely coming into view.

His skin prickled as he felt Byeongkwan tip the white powder along the base of his spine, the familiar floral scent hitting his nose as Byeongkwan’s hand snaked around, fingers pressing themselves to Junhee’s lips, coaxing them open. His gums began to tingle, lips swollen as Byeongkwan began to slowly rub back and forth, his arms shaking as he tried to stay still, barely registering as Byeongkwan’s hand withdrew, his lips still tingling. 

“Don’t move,” a shiver traveled along his body, hot air hitting his back as Byeongkwan leaned forward, pressed a chaste kiss to the center of Junhee’s back, slowly trailing down his spine, pausing as he stopped to do the poorly cut line.

Junhee’s cock ached, precum beginning to pool onto the sheet under him with each light jolt, desperate for more, impatient as he waited for Byeongkwan to let him move, his hips grinding back on Byeongkwan’s fingers.

“Kwannie,” Junhee, his voice strained as he demanded, “hurry up and fuck me.”

“I wanna see you,” Byeongkwan said, reaching for the discarded condom, the sound of the plastic tearing coaxing Junhee to move.

Junhee’s lip caught between his teeth as hands guided him, flipping him over onto his back, his legs spreading as he watched Junhee stroke his cock, spreading lube along his shaft. Small crescent moons decorated his thighs, bruises threatening to bloom as Byeongkwan pushed his thighs to his chest, his voice strained, commanding.

“Hold.”

Junhee obeyed silently, his breath coming out in soft pants and his grip around his thighs tightened, knees pressing against his chest and back arching as Byeongkwan’s cock pressed against his hole, slowly thrusting in.

The sound of their moans began to reverberate in the small room, bouncing off the walls, drowning out the sound of skin slapping on skin as Byeongkwan began to increase his pace. His hips pressing up against Junhee’s ass with each thrust, watching as his cock disappeared inside his hole, his eyes hooded as his high licked around the corners of his mind, the world going hazy around him. 

“You always take my cock so well Junnie.”

Junhee’s toes curled as Byeongkwan praised him, cheeks flushed red as precum pooled on his stomach, cock heavy, aching for release.

“Byeongkwan. I need...” Junhee stuttered out, his hole clenching around Junhee as he grabbed his cock, stroking it clumsily as heat began to coil in the pit of his stomach, his muscles tensing as the pressure began to build.

Byeongkwan’s thrusts began to grow shallow, erratic, feeling his own release approach. His hands grabbing and caressing the flushed skin under him, trailing along the back of Junhee’s thighs.

Tears formed in the corner of Junhee’s eyes as he came, his head thrown back as cum painted his chest. He fell back limp, exuberant as he rode out the orgasm, his heart pounding in his chest, the high still carrying him through as Byeongkwan bottomed out, collapsing on top of him.

Junhee’s eyes fluttered shut as Byeongkwan pulled out, pressing a kiss to his forehead as he rolled off the bed, legs shaking as he started to come down, unable to fight the dizziness that overcame his senses as he stumbled to the bathroom.

The need for sleep was overwhelming as it washed over Byeongkwan, his eyes heavy, vision going blurry as they began to close, unable to focus as he splashed water over his face. Grabbing a damp cloth as he returned back to the bedside, gently wiping down as he dragged the wet towel between his legs, whispering praise as Junhee whimpered with each caress of the rough material. 

“You ok?” Junhee’s voice was soft, the slur less evident in his words, the corners of his mouth forming a small smile as Byeongkwan grunted in response, turning on his side.

He ran his fingers through Byeongkwan’s hair, pressing a kiss to his temple. Warmth enveloped Byeongkwan as Junhee lay beside him, pulling him into his arms as the high wore off, his face buried in Byeongkwan’s neck, lugubrious depths of nothingness awaiting as sleep took its hold, dragging them both down.

Sunlight peeked through the curtains, waking Byeongkwan up as it shone over his eyes. His head pounding, nausea washing over him like a wave as he slipped out from Junhee’s hold, sitting at the edge of the bed. The sheets rustled bedside him as Junhee shifted, soft puffs of air escaping his lips as he slept, undisturbed by the noise Byeongkwan made as he got changed.

Kwangsuk’s words rang in the back of his mind, his hands lingering over the doorknob as he glanced back at Junhee’s sleeping form. He knew Junhee didn’t mind waking up alone, at least he convinced himself that he didn’t. 

Regret began to bubble in his chest, he wasn’t sure if it was from using or for the feeling of betrayal that settled in his chest as he remembers the constant look of longing on hid friends face whenever Junhee came to visit. It whispered in the back of his mind as he left, his head downturned, making his way to work, the itch returning as he walked down the street, ceaseless and vexatious as he scratched the crook of his arms.

He was greeted by the familiar scolding of his mother as he stepped into the coffee shop hours after opening, her hands on her hips and brows furrowed as she watched him retreat to the back room to get ready. Foundation hiding the exhaustion that painted his features and a long-sleeved uniform to hide the bruises that decorated his pale skin.

The shift was slow, early morning customers leaving as fast as they came, tables mostly empty and the shop quiet, the only sound coming from the coffee machine whirring in the background.

The quiet set Byeongkwan on edge unable to shake off the feeling of ants crawling along his body, the need to preoccupy himself growing stronger, still anticipating the midday rush of people to keep his mind distracted from the unyielding cravings that came with the withdrawal. He retreated to the kitchen, joining his mother who had laid down in the back room, baking food for the front display and cleaning, anything to satisfy the cravings that clawed at his mind.

The sound of the doorbell tinkling as it opened drew Byeongkwan’s attention, a flush quickly spreading across his cheeks as he stepped out of the kitchen, walking back towards the counter, his gaze landing on the tall man that entered the shop.

Dark hair framed his face, his jawline soft and face rounded, delicate, matching the rest of his features. Soft lips and kind eyes drawing Byeongkwan’s gaze, too enamoured by the sight in front of him to notice the man had spoke

“Pardon?” Byeongkwan stuttered, the tips of his ears turning a bright red as he averted his gaze to the cash register, fingers fidgeting by his side.

The man chuckled as he repeated his order, eyes as bright as his smile, captivating and pure, his touch gentle as he handed Byeongkwan the money. After paying and taking his seat, Byeongkwan watched him through the corner of his eye as he got to work making the coffee, trying to hide the blush that continued to deepen as his face continued to warm up further.

Byeongkwan could feel his hands tremble, the glass slightly clinking against the dish as he walked over to the man's table, carefully placing the coffee in front of him, followed by a sweet he had made earlier, the plate clinking against the polished wooden table.

“I didn’t order-”

“It’s on me. Please enjoy it.” Byeongkwan said, bowing his head before retreating back to the counter, sparing the occasional glance at the man as he quietly wiped down the table and coffee machine.

Byeongkwan couldn’t help but spare a few glances as he hid behind the facade of cleaning, pink cheeks flushing a little deeper each time they locked eyes. Byeongkwan almost felt guilty as the man kept smiling softly at him, the dull constant ache of his body reminding him of the night before, the smile felt too pure, too kind for someone like him. 

The man didn’t sit for long to Byeongkwan’s disappointment or relief, he wasn’t sure yet; the cup empty and plate cleaned all too quickly as he stood to take his leave.

“They were both delicious,” the man said as he stood, tugging on the sleeves of his coat as he headed back towards the door, dipping his head as he left, “thank you.”

The man began to frequent the small shop, either sitting in or rushing by, grabbing his usual order, Byeongkwan slipping him a freshly baked treat each time, revelling in the excited smile he was graced with each time he baked something new. He learned the man's name was Sehyoon and that he came between classes, each word shared igniting something within Byeongkwan, feelings growing, blooming.

He looked nothing but ethereal as he sat by the window, the sun illuminating him from behind, finishing his coffee in hast as he tapped away at his phone. Oblivious to Byeongkwan peeking from behind the counter, letting other customers that had begun filtering in for their lunch break distract him enough to tear his gaze away.

Byeongkwan felt himself lift his hand into an awkward wave as Sehyoon left, the coffee shop already emptied as the midday rush died down, workers returning to their jobs. The corners of his lips twitching as they formed a soft smile, a soft sigh escaping his lips as he found himself in the familiar silence that drove him up the wall. He couldn’t recall the last time he had taken anything that wasn’t the occasional joint on the balcony whenever Dunghun wasn’t home, withdrawal setting him on edge, restless and snappish, the urges only occluding with each ephemeral encounter.

His heart pounded in his chest, his lips spreading into a wide grin as he picked up Sehyoon’s cup, noticing handwriting carefully scrawled on the napkin that was wedged underneath the dish.

_Call me._

Followed by a number.

It didn't take much coaxing from Donghun for him to text Sehyoon, the desperation for escape already persuasion enough.

The response came quickly, enthusiastically as they began to talk into the late hours of the night, introductions properly made and stories eventually shared, ending the night with a date set to meet in a week’s time. They continued to text as the date of their encounter slowly approached, each night spent slowly learning more about each other; Byeongkwan sharing his daytime musings and Sehyoon complaints about classes, growing more and more familiar with each other as each day passed. Byeongkwan finds himself falling asleep with ease, a half smile playing on his lips and the pain temporarily subsiding.

The sound of water dripping from the machine grew tedious as Byeongkwan waited for Sehyoon to arrive, anticipation growing, simmering in his chest as he glanced at the clock. Sobriety made it worse, the days gone by without a proper high setting him on edge; his fingers drummed on the counter, matching the beat to each drop that fell, unable to hinder the restlessness that coursed along his whole body as soon as the clock struck one.

The doorbell jingled as Sehyoon stepped inside, phantasmic as he stood in the center of the room, comely and resplendent; his hair styled and makeup gracefully painted on. Byeongkwan’s heart raced as Sehyoon greeted him, thanking whoever was listening that the shop was empty as he stumbled to pick up his bag, flushing as Sehyoon chuckled.

“Let’s go. I know a nice place for lunch.”

The date went by quickly, food filling their stomachs as conversion flowed with ease, Byeongkwan relishing in each mundane action. His heart felt as full as his stomach, cheeks beginning to ache from smiling as much as he did, laughter still ringing in his ears. Sehyoon looked nothing but resplendent, his eyes brightening as he talked, hand covering his mouth every time he found himself flustered, covering his wide smile. It was infectious, Byeongkwan found happiness in sitting back and listening to the soothing tone of Sehyoon’s voice, soft praises urging him on.

As their hour came to an end Byeongkwan could feel his chest begin to ache, regretful for their date to end so soon. Sehyoon leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Byeongkwan’s lips as they parted, bidding him farewell, plans for another date left in the air as he walked away, Byeongkwan’s lips still tingling as he entered the coffee shop again, greeting his mother with a warm smile and a light heart.

They continued to message that night, Byeongkwan still giddy, ever growing fonder of the younger man, agreeing to meet again in just over a weeks’ time. As the days rolled by, Byeongkwan's agitation only grew, impatient and on edge as he checked his phone. Anticipating each new message but only to be faced with disappointment and unread texts as Sehyoon’s replies grew more and more infrequent, his exams took up his time, leaving Byeongkwan as alone as he felt before.

**1st November, 2019**

The morning was grey, the atmosphere solemn as they all slowly began to rise. Yuchan woke to the smell of food, Donghun’s blurry form taking shape in the kitchen as he shuffled outside, feet dragging along the carpet and eyes still half closed.

“Mornin’,” Yuchan grumbled, letting himself fall back onto the couch, glancing back at the other two, calling out to Hyunwoo, “Where’s Sehyoon and Junhee?”

“Sehyoon’s still asleep and Junhee’s showering.”

“Mhmm not surprised,” Yuchan said, running his hands through his hair as he tried fixing the unkept strands.

Donghun chuckled as he took the pan off the heat, “Can you wake up Sehyoon? The food is ready.” 

“But I just sat down,” Yuchan groaned as he stood up, wobbling slightly before making his way to the spare room.

“And call Junhee in as well!” Donghun called behind him as he retreated towards the bathroom.

Yuchan banged his fist against the bathroom door, the hinges rattling under his hand.

“Breakfast is ready! Stop using all the hot water and come eat.”

Junhee’s words were muffled as he replied, the shower’s stream hastily came to an end followed by the sound of the curtain being pulled aside and a muffled ‘fuck’ followed by what Yuchan could only have guessed was Junhee tripping over the edge of the tub.

Holding back a laugh, Yuchan quickly retreated over to the back room, his stomach growling as he heard the sound of plates being set on the table. He knocked lightly before pushing the door open, the splintering wood dragging along the carpet, scraping along the fraying material. Sehyoon had sprawled across the bed, hidden under the doona as he tried to escape from light from the rising sun that had begun streaming in, his foot poking out being the only evidence of his presence.

"You awake?” Yuchan’s voice was soft as he padded over to the bed, brushing the sheet aside to sit on the edge of the bed, “Donghun made breakfast.”

“Mhm, yeah,” Sehyoon stirred, his head poking out from underneath the mountain of sheets, eyes barely open and hair sticking in every direction, grumbling as he began to rise, still clutching onto the thick material of the doona.

Yuchan shifted out of the way as Sehyoon swung his legs around, his arms stretching above his head as he stood on uneasy feet, tripping over the sheets that had fallen to the floor. His face was swollen and eyes rimmed red, Yuchan could only guess it was still the lingering effects of the almost silent tears he heard muffled through the door last night. He didn’t say anything but offer a small smile and an outstretched hand, squeezing Sehyoon’s hand gently as he took it in his own, reassuring and silent as he helped Sehyoon up from the bed.

“Do you want anything? Donghun has a spare robe I can steal for you. He always leaves his stuff in here that he doesn’t use.”

Sehyoon chuckled and nodded, his lips pressing into a small smile as Yuchan began to rifle through the discarded clothes in the corner of the room, triumphantly holding up an off-white dressing gown, presenting it like a treasure.

“Thank you,” Sehyoon muttered as he let Yuchan wrap it around him, the sleeves falling slightly short.

They both walked outside, Sehyoon trailing behind Yuchan, as the others beckoned them over, food decorating the set table. As soon as they both sat down, hands greedily grabbed at each dish, plate being filled and light conversation breaking the silence of the room.

Once they had settled, Donghun shifted in his seat as he propped himself on his elbows, head resting on his hands and gaze boring into Yuchan innocuously.

“What are you thinking about?” Donghun poked, almost teasing as he continued to prod, “you’ve been quiet.”

Averting his gaze, Yuchan continued to stuff food into his mouth, biting back, “no one.”

Donghun’s hands fall forward, slapping the table as he calls out in triumph, the others looking at the two of them, their own conversation forgotten. The room went silent.

“I never said who.”

Yuchan choked, his face flushing as he shouted back in protest, laughter beginning to fill the room as the two continued to squabble and it wasn’t until light completely filled the room and the sun sat high in the sky, the table cleared and the others retreating to the couch, Yuchan was left to wonder about Donghun’s question.

He couldn’t remember what he was thinking about, what grasped his attention so tightly, claws digging into his mind as it slips away. He wanders about why he keeps thinking about bleached hair and gentle smiles, his heart light, yearning for something that wasn’t there. Wandering about the spot at the end of the table that always remained empty, cold and apathetic, glaring at him from the corner of his vision - at the laughter that whispered in his ear, slowly washing over him like a wave, soothing, comforting, but it didn’t belong to anyone he knew.

He wondered.

Who?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, thank you making it this far into this mess. Kudos and comments are always appreciated ;; some fuel to keep me going


	4. update - not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> update on what im gna do with this fic

so ive just been insanely unmotivated to continue this. Moreso because its an old fic I 'rewrote' for ace (I barely edited it and just changed names so it's was p poorly rewritten ngl). I'm just very unhappy with the writing. Ive grown (I think) and changed my style a bit, it's more refined and working on this to keep it consistent is hard. Im planning on deleting and fixing it up completely, I'm unsure if ill post for ace or another fandom (either ateez or oneus/onewe) but I'm definitely deleting in the next week or so? I know not relly anyone was reading this but just thought id post this anyway. 

I have two current wips up atm if ur interested in those, they're way better than this and kinda the same style? and kinda proud of them you can read them [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28430268/chapters/69666747) and [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23613739/chapters/56668060) lmao but yeah. Either way I'm eternally grateful for those who did support this fic and left all those rrly supportive comments they made my day. 

you can find me here if u ever wanna hmu up on twit or whatever: [carrd](https://teeniegon.carrd.co/) | [twitter](https://twitter.com/teeniegon) | [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/teeniegon) (if ur not comfortable to comment here and wanna comment anon there instead, but please b kind!!! I am fragile!!)


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